how many days without you
by ephelid
Summary: A day in Machi's life after Pakunoda's death.


Good morning love.

The bed is warm and my body is cold. I turn over onto my back. The sunlight through the curtains is too bright. What time is it. It's ten. It's too early. But I can't sleep.

Good morning love. Every morning feel like you.

I grab my pillow and squeeze it. The pillow smells like me. The bed smells like me. Even on your side. I've checked that. Maybe I should change the sheets. I'll change tonight. I think I've thought this yesterday. And the day before. I wake up.

The room is cold and my body is numb. I go to the kitchen. I heat up the last day's coffee. The coffee tastes like you.

I dress up. My clothes smell like lavender softener. Yesterday I did a lot of laundry and ironing and sewing. Almost spent my entire day doing it. I didn't need to. I should have changed the sheets instead.

I go to the appointment. I'm early. I take a walk in the parc in the meantime. I hear "Machi". My body recognizes its name and has a reaction, my eyes are searching. It's Phinks, and Feitan, and Shizuku. Why are they here, it's not the time yet. I look at my watch. It is. Two hours have ran out. Where did it go.

My face is smiling at them. I know why my face is doing this.

We go in a restaurant to grab a bite. The ramen taste like you. Feitan is stating our future mission. Shizuku is taking notes. She has a pretty handwriting. I complimented her about it, once. This is why she's the one who takes notes. She pretends it's for her, because of her bad memory, but I know it's for me. This idea is both irritating and touching. My body wants to cry.

My bowl is empty. I suppose my body have eaten.

Good afternoon love.

Feitan talks about the pairing. I'm paired with Nobunaga and Franklin. I look at Shizuku. She says she's fine about it. I insist. I don't need to be paired with so strong companions. I'm strong myself. Shizuku says it's fine again, because of the second part of the mission. I've already forgotten what the second part is. She hands me her notes. Feitan says I'll have my spare of the booty even if I don't show up. Phinks asks me if I want a dessert.

Gosh, I love them. I've never felt so clearly how much I love them. I feel naked and pure and everything is gone but this incredible love I always knew I had but never touched. This love hits me in the belly, right above the nostril, run through my stomach, my lungs, my arms my hands my neck and face and it's warm and spicy and a little bitter at the end and I pretend I have to go to the bathroom. I lock up and let my body cry.

Good afternoon love. Every tear feel like you.

I go back to their table. Shizuku has already put her coat on. They're talking about the other members. They talk about Hisoka. They say Uvoguin's name.

I know they won't say yours. Not in front of me. I won't hear them saying "Pakunoda" if I don't say it first. I both want and don't want.

They're making a plan for the afternoon. My mouth is making up a lie. My mouth has become very good at it. It says I'm busy. They look glad I'm making plans for myself. My face is smiling. I know why my face is doing this.

I just want them to leave me the fuck alone.

I'm walking in the streets. Busy streets, noisy. Dubious Santa Claus are climbing at windows. The noises are christmas carols. December, already ? I thought we were still in september. Time sure flies.

I'm tired. I look at my watch. 15h18. It's only 15h18. This day will never end.

How many days without you before it stops to be a day without you ? How many hours frozen and lost before an hour lasts an hour ? When will meantime become time again ? I did everything right. I mourned and cried and looked forward. I'm keeping myself busy, I surround myself with friends, just like I have to, just like it's said in the books, in the internet, in my friends' worries, in my own past worries when I was the one who had to surround a friend. I've been a good girl. I've been obedient. I've been well-behaved. And the winter still taste like you.

The street light decorations are pretty. I didn't noticed when it lighted up. It's sunset. Already. Maybe I should have gone with the others, after all.

Good evening love.

I go back home. I do a laundry. I have to do the washing up too. Too lazy. I command a pizza. No cooking, no dishes, perfect.

I watch a movie. It's funny. My body is laughing. I like it. I take care of myself, you see ? I'm fine. I turn the TV off before the end.

I go to sleep. I've forgotten to change the sheets.

Good night love.


End file.
